Got a Problem? Deal With It!! Or write to Mother Nasty. Her wonderfully caring and loving advice has helped millions to achieve their full potential and become better people. And now she can help you, too! Just a few orts of her responsitory wisdom can be found here, in her new electronic home. Once it was that her guiding hand could only be accessed through the paper version of Queer Nasty, but now her holy presence is a shining beacon of hope in this tempatation-wrought digital world. So if you need some advice, and don't know where to turn, just spill your problems out to Mother Nasty by e-mailing her through our feedback form and watch these pages for her undoubtedly mind-expanding and consoling reply. Wise in Her Ways, Caring in Her Comfort, Holy in Her Vengeance... Mother Nasty is Here!!

Dear Mother Nasty,
    My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'd like to watch her have sex with a man. This really repulses me, and makes me wonder if she's really a lesbian, but I love her. What should I tell her?
-- Pure at Heart in Boise

Hey Spud Girl,
    First of all, honey child, YOU repulse Me, you separatist Nazi Bitch. The only thing you should tell her is goodbye, 'cause she's way too good for you. If she's bi, then she should be able to explore that without you geting your repressed ass in the way. Sex is Sex and Sex is Fun.

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I'm very supportive of gay rights and of having your people be just as free as everyone else. But it pisses me off that when I take my girlfriend to the gay dance club, I constantly get hit on by old gay guys. How do I stop this without looking like a jerk?
-- Empathetic in Eugene

    Just what this world needs... another "You're okay as long as you don't try and touch me" fuckin' frat boy. Why don't you dump your girlfriend and start getting laid by the true objects of your desire... your fraternity "brothers." My holy senses tell me you're just afraid you'll succumb to your true heart's desire if you give them the time of day.
    If you don't wanna be hit on, stay the hell away from our bars!!

The following is in response to the letters above...

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I just read your advice columns for the first time, and I loved it... In MOST cases you say exactly what should be said, and in others you sound just like the people you're dissin' on left and right...
[RE: Spud Girl]
    First of all, some of us are repulsed by bisexuals BECAUSE we're repulsed by members of the opposite sex (Sexually speaking). I'm sorry, but when it's been near a cunt, it ain't going near my mouth. Oh, and Sex is NOT JUST SEX AND FUN. Some of us like to have it actually mean something instead of being slutty little fags (or dykes). The slut approach is why HIV is so big in our community.
[RE: Homphobes in Queer Bars]
    A) I'd rather have ppl like that than the ultimate gaybashers in the world. I too get yuched out when a woman tries to come near me.
    B) I am openly gay, and I am a "FRAT BOY". You seem to stereotype an awful lot for someone who was ragging on some dyke that stereotypes. Oh i guess the stereotypes are okay, as long as they aren't aimed at a stereotypical gay group. It seems to me that you're just a bitter old wench that needs to chill.
-- Queer in Queens

Hey Frat Rat...
    First of all I'd like to thank you so much for realizing that my existence may be worthwhile. I'm sure I didn't know that.
    That said, I'll now respond yo your letter. It's very nice to see you attempting to think for yourself. That's what I like to encourage. Some practice, and maybe you'll be allowed to pick out your own clothing in the morning instead of being forced to wear what all the other good little fags in Queens are wearing today.
    Regarding your statements in reference to my advice for Spud Girl, Honey, HIV is spreading faster among breeders than it ever did among slutty fags and dykes (especially dykes, them being the lowest risk group). Fucking isn't the cause of HIV, unsafe fucking and sharing works are. Get that through your purdy little noggin, boy.
    Mother Nasty and Queer Nasty have nothing against monogomous relationships (3 out of 4 Queer Nasty members actually prefer them). However, we're not self-righteous, puritanic shitheads like your little self who get on their little toy horses saying, "Look at me! I'm a big boy and I know how you should live your life, because I'm the one on the horse. Sure, I'm talking without actually thinking the issue through just like a christian republican, but I'm the one wearing the cool hat." In other words, if you're a little slut, that's cool, just play it safe. But if the only reason you want a serious relationship is to avoid HIV then you're pretty much fucked in the head, pretty-boy.

    As for straights who won't stay the hell away from our bars (they have the same problem with online chat rooms, it seems), you seem to have inadvertantly made a slightly brilliant (though extremely obvious) deduction, child. Yes, these types appearing in our places is better than gay bashers showing up. Why, sexy litle Queer Nasty staffer Tuber was just saying the other day that it's also better than homicidal maniacs with Uzis going to gay bars. I think he has a point there, too.
    If there were "ultimate gaybashers" in our bars, I would surely complain about them. Instead, I have to complain about the "not-quite-to-par less-then-ultimate gaybashers". Hello!?!?!?
    What the hell, I can think of a lot of fucking things, and I mean a lot, that are worse than typical breeder assholes going to gay bars. Do you know what? I still don't want fucking breeder assholes going to gay bars. Call me picky.
    As to my "stereotyping," I'd just like to point out the obvious fact that Frat boys are a stereotypical gay group.

    Bitter? Yes. Old? Maybe. Wench? Absolutely.
    Why thank you.

Pure Love,
Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I'm straight and my friend is lesbian. She is always trying to make sexual advances towards me. She tries to caress my breasts and touch my inner thighs. I do not like it when she does these things..... But she knows that I'm straight. But I want to know is How can I get her to stop?
-- Straight Sue

Dear "Straight" Girl,
    The only way to get her to stop is to give in to a night of hard-core, pussy-licking, clit-tingling passion!!!! That's right!! Homosexuals often have unpleasant sexual experiences with people of the opposite sex. Now it's your turn, breeder!
    All you need to change your evil ways is one night with a real woman. So experiment a little. Loosen up and get wet... then admit it was the best experience of your shallow, non-existent life.
Love,
Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I've just seen your web page for the first time. I'd just like to say that I think that what you have to say in response to people's problems is very insightful. I can only aspire to utilize the word "fuck" as well as you do in conversation.
    By the way, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on a tiny problem that I have. I go to college, and the guy who lives across from me in my dorm gave me a blatant look of disgust when he read my t-shirt that said, "I don't mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public" I'm debating whether to kick his face in the next time I see him or invite him to my room to relieve some of that in-the-closet tension that he suffers from. What should I do? Maybe something else less or more extreme would be appropriate? I'm lost, Mother Nasty, please show me the way with your infinite wisdom.
-- Conniving at Carleton U.

Dear Carniverous Conniver,
    You know just how to STROKE my little ol' ego!! So, since you made me mentally cum, I'll give you some help.
    You don't know whether to beat him up or off. The answer is simple. Do both!! Sure... a little light S&M can bring a smile to anyone's face!!!
    Mr. Repressed-College-Cock will most likely squeal with delight when you bring out the ol' Mother NastyTM brand of spiked leather bondage gear with pink triangle embossed boldly on each piece (available in stores now!!!). Be like Mother Nasty. Say you care with leather.
Love,
Mother Nasty


Dear Mother Nasty,
    you are a fucking bitch who is so at ease finding other peoples faults, i bet you are a fat dyke who will fuck anything and is very happy to because someone is showing you a little bit of attention.wake up and smell what you are shoveling.
--cmueller@muskingum.edu
Note: Neither Mother Nasty nor Queer Nasty support the vicious and reactionary e-mail spamming of such a person as this. We must, though, provide some means of identification, and this was the only means given with this message.

Dear physically fit ho-mo-seck-shal or lez-bee-an,
    I'm so glad to hear of your interest in the wonderful zine Fat Girl. We know your intention was to conform others to your small-minded rock-climbing-skiing-every-weekend-love-working-out-no-fats-no-fems type of irresponsible thinking. Shame on you. You are shoveling hate, while I shovel pure love (albeit with shiny little lumps of grisly sarcasm in the pure love).
Pure love,
Mother Nasty

P.S. You gave me attention and I would never fuck you.

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I am a thin fragile white boy in my mid-twenties with a lot of complexes. I am gay, but I have not admitted it to anyone yet. I have been going out with guys for two years now, but I have never told them of my true intentions with the "date". How can I tell them I am gay? I feel so weak... Please help me
-- David from Gran Canaria

A second plea for help from this lost soul came shortly after the first. It read:
    "I have mailed you so answer! I want you to respond you psychobitch!"

Dear Thin Fragile White Boy,
    Woooheee! Such strong language from such a fragile, shy, little thing. I've been busy getting a good, long jungle fuck, so there was no possible way to get to my sticky little keyboard. Anyway, let's get to your "I'm-so-weak-help-me- I'm-a-poor-thing" problem.
    One thing I don't understand is how the fuck you can date guys and have them not know you're a fag. Listen honey, if you're fucking straight guys or some shit (which many gay men tend to do) then you're doing nothing wrong, keep up the good work. However, spurting your steaming, salty juice (into a condom, I hope) by ramming your hot, throbbing man-meat up someone's ass is a surefire way of firmly stating, "Hello, I'm a fag. Nice to meet you."
    Call me a traditionalist.
Love, Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    Your opinions are the best. You are a truly wondeful gem, and a source of PRIDE for TRUE Queers everywhere. We need more honest people like yourself on our side.....
-- Jeff

Dear Jeff,
    What a dear, sweet fag!! I could just gobble you up...
Love, Mother Nasty

Oh Most Venerable Mother,
    I am a faggot with a bisexual boy as the primary object of my lust - we have been makin' it queer style and have become quite fond of one another over 12 months.
    Being somewhat (but nowhere near the level achieved by your noble self) enlightened we have sent the notion of "monogamy" to the wall and pursue a polyamorous relationship to great success.
    The problem is a straight woman that my beautiful boy bonks from time to time, as is his wont. I have no truck with this. Whoever else crosses the threshold of his bed chamber is not my business. I don't feel threatened, I find her quite tolerable and permit her in my presence and always behave in a friendly and genuine fashion.
    She, however, sees me as an enormous threat. No matter what I do to make life peaceful, she seems to think I'm trying to "turn him into a homosexual" (whatever that may mean) her reactions to me range from cowering in terror to outright hostility.
    I keep a civil tongue in my head, and often fight the urge to verbally dissect her and play jump rope with her intestines. I must say, however, that she generally doesn't get to me but I would appreciate being armed with some of your excellent advice as to what to do if it turns a little ugly in the future.
    Should I tear her apart and feast upon her liver? Should I continue to pursue my current policy of slightly disinterested appeasement?
    I crave your timeless wisdom and implore you to light the way of rectitude and true queer propriety in this matter.
    I am your obedient servant,
-- Mildly confused and somewhat bemused in Western New South Wales - Australia

Dear Faggot,
    Sure violence will solve your problems, but because I'm sick of the whining that invariably goes along with all the "No More Violence" e-mail I've been getting, I have a more subtle suggestion. When you're alone with the icky breeder woman, talk about your mutual love toy. Make it real personal:

1. "Does he talk dirty to you too?"
2. "I love the way his penis (fill in the blank), don't you?"
3. "I hope I didn't give you crabs through (bi-boy's name)."
4. "That reminds me, did he give you genital warts too?"
5. "He cums so quickly, because he gets so excited. How do you slow him down?"

1. Start coming on to her.
2. When she enters the room, look knowingly at the bi-boy and start laughing hysterically. Say to the bi-boy, "I see what you mean" and leave the room quickly.
3. When she enters the room, look at her and say to the bi-boy, "she isn't THAT ugly" and leave the room quickly.
4. Graciously name a plant after her. Never water it. When she's around stare happily at the dying plant. Point and say, "She's dead!"
5. Get the bi-boy worked up about a gay issue in front of her. Get him to use the word "breeder" to the point where he says it without thinking.
6. Say to her, "I'm sorry things didn't work out between the two of you....uuummm...uh....I mean...Have you talked to him yet?...not that I know anything."

This follow-up letter to that above came in shortly after Mother's response was posted...

Oh Most Noble Oracle to deviants,
    You may remember I wrote to you with my concens about the behavior of a breeder woman who is is taken from time to time by the catamite to whom I refer to as boy pussy.
    I proclaim the accuracy of your devinations and the soundness of your wisdom. The application of only a couple of your pearls and the "little woman" is no more! She shot herself down by attempting to make him choose! How could she know, I ask? She didn't realise that he would never give up the indulgences of sodom for her! Oh foolish girl!
    To you most magnanimous and righteous Mother we send up our praises and crave your splendid regard!
    I was formerly mildly confused and somewhat bemused, now I am your faithful disciple!
    I go now to convert their sons for the glory of Sodom.
    I am your obedient servant,
-- Sodomite of Western NSW - Australia
P.S. A big "FUCK YOU HERETICS!" to all those who dare criticise or commit blasphemy against our Glorious Mother.

Dear Sodomite,
    Brown Noser... hee hee hee... Ooohhh.... That feels goooodddd....
Love,
Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    my name is debbie a sweet cute blue eye blond housewife,who was strip-buck nakes outside the witch house.She stuck her big fist in my little pussy.she claw my milky-white titty with her big dark finger,she made me cry moan with pain.billson@prodigy.net
--Jeff

    And your problem is...?
Love, Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I am a teenage girl who is grossly overweight and believe I am gay. There is a really nice girl in my gym class who really turns me on. How can I tell if she is interested in me even though I am very fat?

Dear Goddess of the Flesh,
    One thing I have to say is: Fat is where it's at. Do you want to have sex with a fucking bony-assed beanpole or a soft, wet pillowy mound of hot, lusty pleasure? Honey, you are a volcano of pure sex. I remember high school, I was ready to hump anything that twitched in my general direction. Unless you have genital warts, (I don't recommend them) you will have a slippery clit under your greedy, little tongue faster then you can say, "dental dams and dildos".
    I suggest that you check out Fat Girl, a wonderful spot for the true sex symbols of the dyke world.
Love, Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I have just moved to San Francisco, the true mecca for queers, and am enjoying living in a free atmosphere. I read all of the gay publications I find.
    What amazes me, as I read the personals, is the number of men who describe themselves as "Straight-Acting." I often wonder what they mean by that. Does it mean that they only "fag it up" in the Castro (gay holy ground) while back at the office they talk about their girlfriends? Or does "straight-acting" describe some sort of perverse sexual acts they commit with their same sex partners?
    I've asked my straight friends this question and they don't know either. They tell me they act the way they are and do not pretend to be anything else. So Mother Nasty, I turn to you for the answer. Please help if you can.
--Bewildered by the Bay

Dear Bewildered,
    Your answer is simple, "straight-acting" fags are fucked in the head. They lead sad, pathetic lives to be something vile and disgusting; they spend their desperate lives trying to be breeder-like. For more information about this painful affliction, please refer to the brilliant Chipper's Guide to being a Gay Man in the '90's. Another resource is the following Queer definition, written by Windy City Times Columnist "G" and reprinted in Queer Nasty #6.

  Straight-Acting Gay: An evolutionary atavism. A straight-acting gay is a homosexual who has no innate resistance to the mythology gays use to lull straights into a false sense of superiority. He really believes straights are superior, and so attempts to ape their primitive way of talking and moving.
  Straight-acting gays are like those small numbers of unfortunate children who are killed each year by the vaccines meant to protect them. Out of sympathy, the gay community created a forum where their delusions can both be gently catered to and quarantined: the personal ads.

Dear Mother Nasty,
    My favorite thing to do is to take my boyfriends penus and lick it.
    Then I take a needle and put tabasco sauce into it.
    I inject the sauce into his erect cock and beat it.
    Then when I suck the come mixes with the sauce to create a wonderful flavor.

Dear Wanna-suck-but-are-too-chicken-shit-to-actually-do-it Tabasco Boy,
    You fucking breeder!!!!! No self-respecting fag would misspell "penis" or "cum". No true cock sucker would say "erect" when they can say "hard" or "throbbing" or some other raunchy fuck-word. And obviously you're speaking from your imagination rather than experience if you have so much time to cruise around queer sites and pretend to be cute.
    Thanks for your suggestion. However, for those readers who aren't into ramming needles in their cocks to inject corrosive spices, I have another tip. I've been told (by a breeder actually) that if you eat a lot of pineapple for a day or two, cum becomes sweet. This is great for those cocksucking couples who might have ulcers and can't eat spicy foods.
    Bon Appetit!

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I just read your responses to letters and I have one thing to say: Right On! It's too bad that those answers probably piss a lot of people off, they are just too weak to accept the truth. Keep it up!
--Hot in New Orleans

Hey Hot Stuff,
    What a dear, sweet dyke you are!!!!!
    It's sadly true that my voice is not appreciated by many who read these pages. But it is for these ignorants I continue to spread the truths that must be known. Maybe one day all will be as intelligent as you, and I can return to my own private cloister and catch up on knitting those leather habits. Until then, though, we go on!!
Love, Mother Nasty

Dear Mother Nasty,
    My best friend at my High School listens to Liberace all the time. I heard a rumour that Liberace was gay. Does that mean that my best friend could be gay? I'm not, I just want to find out if he is so I will know if he is checking me out or what!
-- Very Concerned in Kansas

Hey Dorothy,
    Tap your shoes 'cuz here's some news. YOU are the fag. Sounds like you're spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not he'll fuck you up the ass. Is this your jackoff dream? Why don't you just ask him, you dumb fuck? Or are you too afraid your wet dreams will come true? Better yet, put him in touch with me, and I'll let you know if you're worthy of his time.

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I am a freshman in High School. I am required to take a physical education class. Our P.E. Coach does shower checks to make sure that we shower. The showers are not private. My problem is that I am gay and being around naked seniors causes me to get hard. I try not to look, but just knowing they are around is enough. I've hidden it pretty well, but have been caught a couple of times. The guys who saw me beat me up in the hallway and called me a fag. What should I do?
-- Unhappily Horny in Springfield

Dear UH,
    They're calling you FAG -- you should be proud of the title. What gets me is What The Fuck Are They Doing Looking At Your Schlonk For Anyway?!?!
    Sounds to me like Springfield is brewing up another batch of dangerously repressed homosexuals to join the likes of Pat Robertson, Lon Mabon, David Geffen and their crews. Maybe you could help them by dropping a couple of coming out pamphlets into their lockers. And while you're at it, toss in a copy of Queer Nasty, too.
    P.S. Think about buying a machete. You can emboss a pink triangle into the handle -- Just like Mother Nasty's.


Dear Mother Nasty,
    I'm a Dyke, and proud of it. I like feeling powerful, and knowing I'm not a man, and will never need a man.
    It pisses me off when I see so-called dykes who dress and act like housewives. Don't they realize that their poofed-up hair and flowery dresses are only helping to repress all womyn, and enforce the stereotypes mewn have created for us?
    How do we get the point across to them that they're hurting all womyn by their actions, and need to change?
-- Butch in Berkeley

Strap Yourself Down Butch Bitch,
    I'm sure you've got a truck with a winch on it that will do the job nicely. It's people-hating, stereo-typing assholes like you that have created the climate for "womyn" just as much as the men you hate so much. Just because you don't like dresses, and don't like what goes along with it, doesn't mean that every other female in the world has to share your narrow-minded, shitheaded ideas.
    Some people are comfortable in dresses. I happen to love my robes. All sorts of things can be kept under here, and all sorts of things left out... Many people are bi, or trannies, or whatever, and your mind-set represses them far more than you've ever been repressed, and they don't have control issues to deal with. Unlike you, it seems.
    If you're still stuck in your repressive mindset, I'm sure a butch in some Personals ad who mentions something like "no foofs, femmes or weaklings" is just the type for you. You two can live happily together, knowing that you're superior to every other fucking person on the planet.

Dear Mother Nasty,
    I'm a very butch, straight-acting gay white male with a swimmer's build and a nice job that pays $75k. I tried to make it to the beach every other weekend or so this summer to work on a nice suntan. I think I may have overdone it a little, as my skin is now very tan -- about the color of cappuccino. I noticed late in the summer getting fewer and fewer solicitations for dates and fewer cruisey looks on Fire Island. What do you think the right amount of suntan is to attract the right man?
-- Lost in Long Island

Dear Lost in Limbo,
    Try this... stay out in the sun constantly. There is no such thing as "too much sun" for you calvin-klein wearing rich fag Geffen wanna-be's. The browner you get, and the closer to a nice crispy, crunchy death by skin cancer, the better. There is no good use for suntan oil, even as a lube. Water bases only, honey, in case you've been deaf the last 20 years.

Remember, if you have a problem that you just can't seem to handle on your own, then Mother Nasty is here to help you.
E-Mail your problem to her through our feedback from and she'll get to it when she damn well pleases.

Just more proof that she's cheaper and far more constructive than any therapist could ever be!!

Webhosting by...

© 1994-2000 Baby Rhino Press. All Rights Reserved.
$Revision: 1.13 $ $Date: 2002/01/31 15:10:31 $
http://www.tripnet.com/q-nasty/ma-nasty.html