Tuber's Handy Epigrams
from Issue #7

    Homophobic breeders often spend a whole thirty seconds at a time thinking about homosexuality. At least, the "intelligent" ones do. They then share this inept wisdom with fellow breeders, who unfortunately lack the proper attention span to do any thinking on their own. So, at work, in bars, and in the locker room, the wiser breeders donate their "amazing intellect" and insight in the form of a couple of sentences, comparable to a 10-second sound bite. [Note: the average ignorant breeder has the attention span of 15 seconds. This leaves them with five whole seconds to think about what has been said. In those five seconds, they are usually able to mutter, "Fuckin' faggots." Then, with their attention span faltering, "Wow! Look at those tits. I would sure like to get inside of her," or some other poorly thought out, perverse suggestion of sex.] In any case, these erroneous droplets of complacent humanism become the anthems of every dope who hates homosexuals and wants to give the air of a "learned man." Being that the average homosexual has thought about homosexuality almost all of their lives, the homosexuals' arguments are often too complex and lengthy for the average football-watching, beer-drinking Joe or Loretta to comprehend. (However, it is fun to watch their eyes glaze over when they hear a word they don't understand.)

    In order to communicate at this lower-capacity level, here is a handy guide. It has their pitiful smorgasbord of idiocy complete with proper responses. These responses are short and "big" words have been ommitted. Some of them require thought on their part, but if you say it fast they can have an entire ten seconds of processing. Have Fun!

1. "Homosexuality is a choice."

    Epigram 1A: "If homosexuality is a choice, then let's all fuck!"

    (Note: If they are really stupid, they will assume this is a pass and attempt to overpower you with their amateur pugilistic skills. Try to use it in "good humour." However, if they are stupid, of the opposite sex, or a family member, try one of these instead:)

    Epigram 1B: "So then, what exactly turns you on?"

    Epigram 1C1: "Would you choose to be hated by half the country?"
  or
    Epigram 1C2: "Would you choose to have your family reject you?"
  or
    Epigram 1C3: "Would you choose the reason one-third of teenagers kill themselves?"
  or
    Epigram 1C4: "Would you choose to lose your good friends?"
  or
    Epigram 1C5: "Would you choose (fill in the blank and keep it simple!)

    (The "smarter" ones will then retort):
2. "It is an unconscious choice."
    (I love this oxymoron. It's cute, just like a puppy chasing its own tail.)

    Epigram 2A: "Unconscious means I have no choice. Please consult the dictionary."

    Epigram 2B: "So is breathing. What's your point?"

    (This is sometimes followed by):
3. "They have places where they cure homosexuals."

    Epigram 3A: "It's called a Hos-pi-tal and they cure lots of people there."

    Epigram 3B: "I know, I go there to get laid."

    Epigram 3C: "How do you know?"

    Epigram 3D: "They used similar methods in the Victorian era to cure children of masturbation. It worked for about six months, solely by fear of repression or suppression. Some of the children went neurotic. Some masturbated double-time to make up for their losses."

    (Okay, maybe that one is too long. The truth is, it works for about six months by getting the "patient", usually willing, to repress their homosexuality. One of the methods for men involves attaching wires to the penis and scrotum. When the man becomes even slightly aroused, while being shown pictures of naked men, sensors register it and send a shock to the scrotum and/or penis. Sometimes they show pictures of naked women and air in pleasing scents.)

    Epigram 3E: "Ever seen or read A Clockwork Orange?"

    ("Successes" with this method are usually bisexuals who believe homosexuality is a choice and that they simply "unconsciously" chose wrong. They manage to repress or suppress their homosexual side, which is psychologically damaging. All in all, there is no "cure.")

4. "If homosexuality were natural, then homosexuals could reproduce."

    Epigram 4A: "If heterosexuality were natural, then men's and women's sexual patterns and desires would match up better."

    Epigram 4B: "That's OK. A nice christian family in Kansas is having extra children in my name."

    Epigram 4C: "Oh, thank you, I keep forgetting. The purpose of life is to mindlessly breed for the glory of god."

    Epigram 4D: "So, every infertile man and woman is therefore unnatural?!"

5. "All homosexuals are child molestors."

    Epigram 5A: "I don't know where you got that. According to the official reports I've read, the majority of child molestors are heterosexuals who molest boys."

    (These reports do exist and are easy to find. The breeders, however, usually get their information from another "Joe" who got his information from a paper with "christian", "family" or "citizen" in the title, never trustworthy sources.)

    Epigram 5B: "Did you know that if an 18-year old man has sex with a willing 17-year old man, it's usually considered child molestation? If a 55-year old man has sex with a willing 14-year old girl, it's statutory rape with a lighter sentence."

6. "Homosexuals like feces and urine."

    Epigram 6A: "What have you been thinking about in your spare time? And why?"

    Epigram 6B: "I don't."

7. "Anal intercourse is not sanitary."

    Epigram 7A: "Neither is male-female intercourse. Ever hear of a yeast infection?"

    Epigram 7B: "Then why are so many heterosexuals doing it?"

8. "god hates Fags."
    (No use arguing, they're probably legally brain dead, but you can try):

    Epigram 8A: "That's OK. Shirley, the U.S. Air Representative, loves us."
    (This will leave them baffled and wondering if U.S. Air is some clandestine Satanic cult)

    Epigram 8B: "So did Hitler, and now they're both dead."

    Epigram 8C: "Well, he's not very nice!" (Stomp your feet in a display of child-like frustration.)

9. "Gay men like to have sex with lots of different men in parks and bathrooms."

    Epigram 9A: "Straight men like to have sex with lots of different women and they can't. Na-Na Na-Na-Na."

    Epigram 9B: "I'm sure they would like to have sex at home, but their wives won't let them."

    Epigram 9C: "Yeah, I don't know why they didn't take part in the ample high school gay dating scene. Oh yeah! There isn't one!!"

10. "Fuckin' Fags and Dykes!"

    Epigram 10A: "Fuckin' breeders!"
    (That's right! Share the hate. Breeders are your enemies. You know how some white people are dismayed when people of colour hate them for being white? The same principle applies here. They need to know hate, like trust, is sometimes a two-way street.)

    Epigram 10B: Choose one of the breeders in the group and say: "Oh, hi! Are we still on for Saturday night?"

    Epigram 10C: Get your friends and beat the fuck out of them.

11. "I'm going to kill you faggot (or dyke)"

    Epigram 11A: "I have AIDS. I don't think you want my blood on your hands."

    (Sadly, they'll believe you.)

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