Best of Queer Nasty: Chipper's Guide



	Chipper's Guide to Being a Gay Man in the 90's from Issue #7 Act Straight. Go to the Gym twice a week. Alternatively, buy a Soloflex. Restrict exercises exclusively to those which build upper body muscle tone. If you're circumcised, get your dick fixed. Date only men who look as good as you. This will encourage others to aspire to your high standards. Lie about your age if you are over 23 years old. Purchase Calvin Klein underwear and wear it often. Consider a body waxing. Buy records and tapes by artists who are rumoured to be gay, but haven't come out. Share the rumours with your gay friends to spice up conversation on social occassions. Also, buy Donna Sommer records. Purchase exclusively those fashion, entertainment, alcohol, tobbacco, and travel-related products which are advertised or featured in the pages of "Out", "10 Percent", "Genre", "The Advocate" and similar publications. Avoid contact with persons not doing likewise. When on the receiving end of a homophobic epithet or hate-speech, such as "All Fucking Faggots Should Die!", ignore the perpetrator, and act as though you didn't hear it. Observe the AIDS crisis carefully. Avoid giving lesbigays a bad image by participating in an embarrasing protest against governmental or commercial neglect of the health crisis. Wear a red ribbon instead, as it is far more dignified, and doesn't risk giving lesbigays a bad image. If you get AIDS you needn't increase your participation in such activism. Why bother if you're going to die soon anyway? If you are HIV-, pepper your conversation with references to the friends you know sick or dead from AIDS, to draw attention to your red ribbon. Tell your boss you are gay only after proving to her/him you are a valuable employee. Don't come out of the closet until you have a mastery of guidelines #1-12. Load a .57 Magnum with one bullet, point it at your face, and pull the trigger. Talk to Chipper at our feedback form.

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