Blind Sheep and Holy Union
from Issue #3
by Dan-E Boy

    All throughout my childhood, I was told the only way to eternal life was through God, the only way my life would be meaningful was to give my heart, body and soul to Jesus. Only He would give me peace. And so I tried. I can still vividly recall the tears that flowed down my face as I prayed for hours upon end at Church Camp, wanting the holy spirit to come into me and let me speak in tongues. The camp counselors kept saying how holy I was, and how blessed by God. Finally, after many hours of nothing, I faked it. I started speaking in gibberish, random phrases, so that they wouldn't know I was unworthy. We saw a movie at that same summer camp. It was about the second coming of Christ, and the Holocaust thereafter. I had nightmares for years because of that film, images of guillotines and death by flame.

    I tried and tried and I always failed. I wanted to be "holy" and "good," and I failed in every way. My Father was a fundamentalist preacher, my mother a "good" preacher's wife. As a child I was taught that I could not be complete without God, and not just any god, but the one true "GOD." I later became Catholic, and almost a priest, and heard the same sermons. My whole life I have been looking for something, someone, to make me complete, because I was taught it was missing at birth.

    The hypocrisy of the church is what drove me away. I was told to be good, to strive to be like Jesus, while the models I was given were Preacher's wives who beat their children and deacons who fucked them. And that's the message I got. Being a christian means doing what you feel is the holy mission of the hour. I learned that every person has two gods, the one they pretend to believe in and the one they actually follow. The OCA preaches love, while following the path of hate. Conformist/ Assimilationist fags and dykes preach unity, while laughing at those who don't follow their lead. They're all looking for something to make them complete, to make them right.

    What I've found through all this is that a deity, Religious or personal, is not something that's floating in the air somewhere, waiting for us to find and take it. A deity can only be found inside each person. We each have our own goals and purposes, and our own faiths. If we follow others we give them power, and anytime a power structure is formed, it's the real people who get screwed, the blind sheep that are led off the cliff.

    I, for one, choose not to follow. I've learned to have faith in myself and to closely examine everything I'm told. And to speak out against those things I see as wrong. This may or may not exclude belief in a god, but it will be my beliefs, not one forced into my head by others. The only submission I want to engage in is during good, fun, safe sex -- not rape.