Three Day Queer Makeover
from Issue #2

    With $200 and a bit of flair, you too can become truly Queer in only three days. How, you wonder, is this possible? Well, it's really quite simple. After all, Queers do dictate modern fashion in the US, and we are ever so creative. All you have to do is follow this simple checklist and you'll be on your way from old fashion dont's to high fashion glam.

    1. Go to your local beauty college. The rates are really low, and who can screw up a dye job? Now, you'll want to select a color for your hair that isn't passe. I suggest canary orange. Ask the stylist first to shave the sides of your head. Then, the top of your hair should be thinned so that it will stand up more easily. You have some choices with the top: spikey, mohawk, skitch, flat top, bald, whatever. Now, unless you've been shaven bald, tell your stylist first to bleach your hair if it's dark, then apply the color. Style and set to perfectio n. Of course it's up to you, but I would highly recommend Queer symbols shaved in the sides or back of your new do.

    2. With your hair now conveying your new commitment to Queerdom, stroll across the mall to your local ear-piercing store. You'll need at least one hole in each ear, though I prefer two or three. Have these done immediately and put in large silver hoops. If you can find someone who does body piercings, or, if you live near a Gauntlet store, consider having your left nipple, or, for women, your clittoral hood pierced. This is for experts only as a poor piercing will certainly become infected and offer you only years of agony.

    3. Goodwill is the next stop on our Queer Makeover. Ignore the women at the counter as you walk in. Bec ause of your hair and your piercings they will assume you're going to steal something. First you'll need jeans. Old Levi's are best, though some prefer denim painter's pants or other industrial wear. Find four or five pairs of jeans that are quite loose. The point here is that you'll hold them up with a really thick, black belt. Now search the racks for an old, faded, black leather jacket. You don't want it to be perfect as you'll be decorating it with painted-on pornography and cock rings or Labrys es. Find the belt here if you can, as well as a pair of black, industrial-strength, steel-toed boots (perfect for kicking in the heads of bigots or racist members of the TLN Board of Directors). Pay for your purchases, usually less than 60 bucks, and go home.

    4. After you are outfitted in your new wardrobe you'll need to accessorize. We recommend a wallet with a dangly chain attached to your belt as well as a snap-on key chain. As with the jacket, you should consider having your boots painted eith er mis-matched colors or with sexy designs. You'll also need to find chains, necklaces, studded leather collars, or a good, loud whistle to hang around your neck. The whistle is essential as it separates the true radical from the wannabe. But remember, a whistle is only good if you remember to use it to disturb TLN Board meetings or to call attention to dangerous situations.

    5. Throw out those swishy Romanavsky and Philips tapes. They're so old, Honey! What you need is some Nine Inch Nails, Minis try, Bauhaus, L7, or even Public Enemy. You see, music really does make the Radical. You might have thought Tracy Chapman was cool. The problem is, though she deals with serious issues, she's not angry enough. What you need is not depression, but music-inspired rage to carry you through the next action.

    Well, How does it feel? Are you a liberated fuckin' badass motherfucker now? Are you ready to go out and kick some homophobic, racist ass? As your new Queer idol says "Don't just stand there, let's go do it! Strike a pose, there's nothin' to it!" VOGUE!

    AFTER ALL, IT'S JUST A LOOK!